I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
