Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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