The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
