4 words: hood of his car
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Randomize
