Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize