did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
