after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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