I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
