What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
