Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
