I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
