My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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