I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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