Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
