burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize