my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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