so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize