Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize