If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
