Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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