if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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