ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
