I think I won the penis lottery.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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