My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
