I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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