You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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