You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
