Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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