What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
