The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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