Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
