Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
