You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize