One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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