i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
