Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize