just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
