My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
