i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
