That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
