I met the friendliest cop last night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need to sanitize my soul.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
