You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
