It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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