can we get nightvision for the apartment?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
