You smell like a Billy Joel song
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
then he tried to convert me to islam
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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