There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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