who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
