Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
