Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Pants are for mortals
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize