She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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