i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
