i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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