I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
