I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
