Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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