So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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