Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
