I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
