his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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