I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
