he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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