Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
