Christians are straight up FREAKS
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize