And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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