Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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