I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
