I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
