yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
