now i know why i became what i already was.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
