bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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