ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize