Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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